I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about how to survive
and what to do after a divorce. Sad to be reading this so close to one of the
most precious times of the year but divorce happens. All too often. But as I
read these blogs, I always think “What happened to get you to that point in the
first place?” Not that it’s any of my business but I like to get the whole
story. Because it happened to me and I guess I want to see if my version is
anything like theirs. And they usually are. So I wanted summarize what usually
happens when two people, bound for life in glorious expectation, decide to
hasten the ending of what they once thought would be a til-death-do-they-part
deal. Mind you, this is just a generalization.
When two people meet with the intention of dating, whether a
chance encounter or set up by friends, there is eventually a thought of “Wow! I
really like this person. I wonder if he/she is my Mr./Mrs. Right?” With stars
in their eyes, they follow the path that most twosomes do…they fall in love, wish
for forever and get married. Then they start seeing what, in most cases, was
hidden behind the glow. Because it’s obvious that when you are dating and
getting to know each other, you put your best face on.
It’s after you put on the dress/tux, rings and
cake-in-the-face that you find out the little things that maybe you wish you
had known before committing to all of the above. Some of it is just little
things that you can shrug your shoulders at like it’s no big deal but then
there are some that truly make you wonder how you missed them in the first
place. Now I’m not talking only from first-hand experience here, although some
of them are mine, and I’m not boo-hooing about my marriage woes either. I’m way
past that. I’m just saying….
Little gross habits come out after the rings are on. Like
nose picking or passing gas at the dinner table. I truly don’t believe these
are cause for divorce. These are what I call little pieces of doo doo in the
yard. You scoop them up, flush them down the toilet (not literally, of course)
and get on with life.
You shovel them up and put them out for the trash man.
Similarly, snoring (as long as it doesn’t keep you from sleeping in the same
bed), belching in public or chewing with their mouth open…annoying at best and
still just little droppings. You can probably put in your two cents and maybe
get these lessened a bit or even changed.
Of course, there are some habits that fill up the yard with
poop or clog the toilet (again, not literally) that can really hurt a person.
Drinking to excess is one of them. Especially if you know this person won’t get
help or even admit there is a problem. Drug abuse is another one. In either case, if you don’t love yourself
enough to get help, then there is no way you can love your spouse as you are
supposed to. Or maybe you love yourself too much to care about the way your
addictions are affecting others. Same thing in my book. Get help and save your marriage.
Don’t be stupid.
One of my pet peeves that can absolutely, positively stir up
a shit storm is vulgar and abusive language, especially when it’s directed at
me. I don’t do it and I deserve the same respect. The occasional slip is a different
matter but when it’s a habitual thing, a way of life, that goes too far. Big
storm. Respect is a big part of marriage and speaking to your spouse in this
fashion not only shows that you don’t respect them, it hurts. If you can’t have
a simple argument or even a casual conversation without it, you have issues
that need to be addressed.
Physical abuse in any way, shape or form? Goes without
saying. Whether it’s a husband hitting the wife or vice versa. Should not
happen. This is a pile of crap that cannot be shoveled or flushed.
Cheating? Well, some say it depends on the reason behind it.
To that I say WHAT? No. I don’t care if your significant other did it first and
you retaliated. You took vows and they should be honored. There have been many
marriages that can get beyond this but I don’t know of any. Cheating breaks the
most important bond of trust that should never be breached and once broken,
most often cannot be repaired. If you can flush this, I admire you.
Jeez, as I read this back to myself, is it little wonder
that both of my girlies are single? I honestly didn’t write this to be snarky
or jaded (both of which I am). I’m not bitter about my divorce. Bitterness
takes too much away from me and nothing from him so I refuse to acknowledge it
by being bitter. I have cleaned up my doo doo piles and moved on. But for those
of you who have not, in the end what matters most is how much you can live with
in your marriage. Or not live with it. And whether your love is strong enough
to withstand whatever comes your way. Those are the people I really wish I
could have emulated.
