Advice From One Who Knows

It’s taken me a week to write this but I wanted to be clear in my head before I did it. The deaths of seven innocent babies in the Oklahoma tornado is hard to imagine. What their parents are going through is even harder. I’ve been in a similar situation so I’d like to offer a little advice to those who, like me, know one of the families of those children.

First and foremost, don’t say “I know how you feel.” You don’t. You couldn’t. Even if you’ve gone through it, the child that they just lost wasn’t yours. Their circumstances aren’t yours.

Don’t tell them to let you know if you can do anything. Ask them what you can do. They are not thinking clearly right now. And won’t be for the foreseeable future.

Give them closeness when they need it, distance when they don’t. Don’t hover but don’t be nonexistent either. It’s a fine line. Learn to walk it.

It doesn’t end when the funeral does. That’s actually when reality sets in. The reality that has become this family’s life. Don’t disappear. Don’t forget important dates…birthdays, special occasions. They will need you then.

Don’t avoid sharing memories of their lost little one. They will cry. But they will also appreciate you. Laughing is not disrespectful, it’s encouraged. Share a funny story or a sweet one. Unless they ask you not too. But most parents won’t.

As you can imagine, losing a child is one of the hardest things for a parent to experience. Whether it be from illness or an accident, it doesn’t matter. All you know is you will never hold that child in your arms again. You will never be able to play a game with them or watch them sleep. The best advice I can give you is let them dictate to you what they need and when they need it.