Commercials Are The Bane...

Lately I’ve been watching a good bit of television for some reason. I usually avoid it like the plague, mainly because I hate…really loathe…commercials. Except recently. Call it boredom, poverty or the fact that I pay a lot of money every month for the privilege, but I’ve been watching TV. Getting rid of the cable service would certainly help my poverty situation but that’s part of a different blog. So I indulge but only if I can find a decent program which requires a lot of surfing. Not easily done and I end up seeing a lot more of those dreaded commercials than I care to. And I’ve found a few that annoy me beyond reasonable limits, mainly because the lengths that some product manufacturer’s will go to prove society’s stupidity amazes me.

Case in point…Walmart. They have a bunch of fruit sitting prettily on display while an announcer whispers as if he’s at a pseudo golf match that the people we are about to see don’t realize that this fruit is from…you guessed it…Walmart. Enter stage left, gullible customers agog at how beautiful the produce is at this wonderful place. The announcer then drops the bomb. This fruit is from Walmart! Cue the amazement. They just cannot believe it. I mean They. Can. Not. Believe. It. I can’t either. I have been to Walmart in many states and I have never seen decent fruit at any of them. And Walmart doesn’t have enough money in the kitty to pay me to act that stupid in front of a national audience. Well, maybe they do. I can be amazed and astounded about food for the right price, I guess.

A commercial for any attorney also makes my list. I see a lot of those during the morning news and what I want to know where they find their “actual clients”. You know them. It’s always some backwoods hick who says (and I’m paraphrasing here) “I was on I-10 during rush hour traffic and I got out my car ‘cause I saw this hubcap laying on the median across three lanes. I was just pickin’ up that hubcap when, bam, this crazy driver just up and run me down. I ain’t been able to work my job for six years and that Lawyer Crookedness got me a whole million dollars.” Chew tobacca, chew tobacca, chew tobacca, spit. I stole that last line from a Blake Shelton song, but it seem to fit. They don’t tell you that 75% of which went in said attorney's pocket for expenses, contingency fees and just plain greed.  Hell, give me a million dollars (without the expenses, etc. ) and I’ll act as backwoods as you want in your commercial, man.

Ocean Spray Juice. The one where you have the two overall clad, hat wearing dudes standing in a pond of cranberry juice? Yeah, that one. First of all, just the thought of drinking juice that two men may or may not have been standing in (I’m being facetious here) just turns me off of their product. Second, those guys are just too redneck for words…see Blake Shelton song reference above. Not to mention they don’t say anything about the fact that their “juice” is more artificial coloring and water than actual fruit product.

Have you seen the newest Eggo Waffle ad? Can’t touch this? Oh, yes, I so want to tell that child to sit down at the table and eat what is prepared for him if he knows what’s good for him. Mother dearest in this one needs a lesson in parenting. Where I come from, the mom’s are who are in charge, not the child. And he is just this side of being rude, which would equal some special discipline short of a smack down. The only good part of this commercial is the little girl at the end shaking him off when he tries to steal her waffles. You go, girlie!

Last but not least is everyone’s favorite. Viagra. Oh, yes, I did bring it up. There’s not much I can say about it because it is just too blatant and nauseating for words. Besides, and you know you’ve asked the question, who sits on the beach in a couple of bathtubs? There is nothing about sex that would make me want to do that. Seriously.

Now that I’ve actually put it all down on paper (or screen, as it were), I wonder why anyone at all watches television anymore. Or maybe it’s just me. But I really don’t think so. I’d rather be at the dentist getting a root canal or walking through a hurricane.