What I’ve Learned…Now That I’ve Thought About It

Sometimes when I think about my life and where I’ve been (which I try not to do too often because I like to look forward), I wonder about some of the choices I’ve made and what they mean as far as lessons learned. How they impact where I’m going in the future. These are some of what I’ve been taught, by people who mean the world to me.

1. Marriage can be good and if you’re blessed, it can last forever. While I haven’t been blessed with this, I have proof of it with quite a few of my friends…Lynn and Bill, Amy and Mike, Neil and Martha Ann, Gina and John…just to name a few. It takes work. But it doesn’t have to be all work. A few little things make all the difference in the world. Love, of course, is the most important thing. There is also mutual respect, a shared faith and laughter. I think that learning to respect each other’s differences and accept them is a big key. Spending time apart is almost as important as spending time together. As my mother would say, you don’t have to be joined at the hip. When you put all of these things together, it doesn’t…or shouldn’t…seem like work. It should be growth.

2. Some friendships can last a lifetime, no matter the distance. And you don’t even have to talk to each other that often. Of course, social media makes it very easy to keep in touch with the lives of those who matter to you but I have friends that I haven’t seen much in years that I know I can call, no matter what the issue, and they would know how to cheer me up or talk to me like we’ve never been apart…Gina, Christina, Amy, Lynn, Josie and Cindy…just to name a few. They KNOW me. They know my history and my personality. I know a lady from college (yes, Leigh Ann, I’m talking about you) that I hadn’t seen in more than twenty years. We met up again on Facebook through a mutual friend and there she was all of a sudden at the funeral home when my Daddy died. What a blessing. And even though the occasion was solemn, it was like we had never been apart. She was there when I needed her. And that’s what friendship is all about, isn’t it? Being there for each other? I need this; I believe that everyone does.

3. Be yourself, no matter what. Whether you are entering into a relationship with someone…because if you are getting acquainted with a person, shouldn’t you let them learn the real you? Or interviewing for a job…don’t be someone you’re not. You won’t be able to keep up the pretense for very long. Most importantly, you want to show everyone who you really are. What you really like or dislike. What you care the most about. Isn’t that more important than impressing people? I think it is. I also don’t think you should have to change who you are to be in a relationship with someone. They either love you for who you really are or they don’t love you at all.

4. Sometimes it’s ok to do nothing all day. I am one of those people who, if I’m not doing anything, I feel lazy. I need to be contributing to something, even if it’s only organizing a closet or making a snack. I have never gotten the hang of being a sloth. I grew up on a farm. There was always something to do and if you couldn’t find something, one of my parents would find it for us. And what they found would not be much fun. So we kept ourselves active. Exploring the wooded areas around the property, swinging on vines. Playing with the pets. Digging mud holes. Yes, the woman I am now used to make mud pies…I shudder to think of the dirt under my nails. But back to my point, you can lay around, watching TV or reading a book. Play a game on the computer. Sit on your porch swing. It’s really ok. With stress levels high in our lives, we all need to decompress occasionally. I still have to kinda force myself still to do it… without falling asleep…but I believe it is a necessity in my busy life. And, of course, if I fall asleep, well a nap is good too. And we all know how much I love my naps.

I’ve learned more than this of course, but these are the highlights; the others are not what I really want to share. I hope that I let them help guide me to where I am going and where I need to be. With these things and God’s grace, how can I possibly lose?

What's Left In Your Suitcase?

I recently read an article about an asylum in New York where, in 1995, they found luggage dated from the 1800’s (If you want to read the article, go here http://www.wimp.com/suitcasefound/. It’s pretty cool.). Anyway, the story talks about the really interesting stuff they found in these suitcases that were left at the asylum by the inmates who had passed away there. Interesting as in strange. There was a clock, shoe polish, clothes, photos (of course) and a broom (?), among other things. Yes, you absolutely need to read it.

So it got me to thinking…as things of this matter always do…what I would leave in a suitcase for people to find a hundred or more years later? This is pretty much what I came up with. Just off the top of my pointed head.

First, I would leave my Bible. Because one, I write a lot of personal thoughts in there. Not always something that anyone would understand, except maybe my kids, but I can imagine a stranger in the future thinking “Was this lady nuts?” Of course, the answer would be “no but she was a little ‘different’”. And two, because they will need to read it because it’s important.

Family photos because what’s a time capsule-ish leftover without a few pictures. Then the futuristic ones can laugh at the style of our clothes and hair. And remark on how exceptionally beautiful my family was. Not me, of course. I have no illusions about beauty (mine is inner). But my babies are just gorgeous.

One of my favorite books. I haven’t decided which one yet but it has to be, I think, something that has no historical meaning whatsoever. Because basically, too much history is boring. I’m thinking a fluff novel or something like that. One that makes these people ask “What’s a cell phone?” or “Cars moved on land?” or “They actually gave birth to their children?” Or…”What the hell is a throbbing manhood anyway?”

I was considering a computer, laptop type, but they would probably laugh at how prehistoric our technology was. I mean, they are most likely going to be flying around sort of George Jetson-like, being beamed up like Scotty. Their computers are going to be so over the top that Cox Bundle is going to look like the stone age. I wonder if they are going to call this century the stone age? We call it digital but we are so backward compared to what they have, right?

How about a paycheck? Oh, hell no. I don’t mind them thinking I’m crazy but to have them know how little I earned is not going to happen. Then they’ll be thinking “She was not only nuts but she was stupid too. Look at how small her earning potential was.”

My curling iron, flatiron, hair dryer and hot rollers. Just because. By then they won’t be operational anyway. Give those new age people something to scratch their heads about. “She was into torture?”

Well, that’s pretty much what I’ve come up with. By now you are shaking your head and wondering if perhaps I should stop reading articles that give me ideas. But I won’t. And sooner or later (and I’m sure it’ll be sooner), I’m going to come up with another blog about some inane idea that will have you shaking your head. But before I do, I will ask you this … what would you leave behind? What would your suitcase hold?

What Are You Thankful For?

I recently read a book by Max Lucado called Before Amen (Good book, you should read it). In one chapter, he listed things he was thankful for by the alphabet, which I thought was a really cool idea. So I decided to make up one of my own. It took me a long time because it’s not something that just comes to your head…at least not to mine. I did a lot of thinking and here is what I came up with.

A: Animals. We’ve had cats, dogs, bunnies and guinea pigs as pets. I’ve watched deer and turkey in my yard and birds in the sky. Chased cows, pigs and chickens. Doesn’t matter. They are all beautiful. Except for vultures. Nasty looking things.

B: My Bible. The answer is always in there and no matter how many times I read it, I learn something new. When I was growing up, it was sacred…as it should be. You kept it pristine, which is not necessary, as I now know. The one I use? There are so many notes written in the margins to remind me of where I was when I read that part or things that I didn’t understand and looked up. It’s a Max Lucado Bible, ironically enough.

C: Cats. Specifically the strays that come to my door every day begging for food. In the last three years, they have gone from running when they saw me to rubbing against me and asking to be petted. They show me a lot of love and make me miss my pets from my former life a lot less. And chocolate. Because what would the world be without it?

D: Daughters. Mine. Deanna and Deb. Two of the three loves of my life. They make me proud. They make me laugh, they make me cry. They make me angry and frustrate the hell out of me. But most of all, they make me feel loved and like I did something extremely right in my life.

E: Elijah. The interruption in my sleep. The mess in my house. The stain on my carpet. The ache in my bones (after football or wrestling or ninja battles). But mostly? The third love of my life. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s interesting. He’s just the best.

F: My faith. Necessary for all things in life. And forgiveness, both giving and getting.  And fruit. And fun.

G: God. What can I say? Without Him, I would have nothing, be nothing.

H: Happiness. I have it now and I’m so thankful for it.

I: Imagination. I was blessed with a great one. It’s kinda wacky. A little out there. I love using it.

J: Jesus. The greatest gift anyone could ever receive. Who else would make such a sacrifice?

K: Knowledge. I’m not the smartest crayon in the box but I have some knowledge to pass on to my kids. Keyboard is another one. My musical one, so I can play the music I love and my laptop one so I can communicate with my friends and family. And also write the silliness that keeps popping up in my head.

L: Love from my family and laughter. Mostly when the two go together. We have an ample supply of both in our house.

M: Money to pay my bills. Why would I put this on here? Because I work hard to earn mine. And for that, I’m thankful. For both the opportunity and the ability. There’s not much left at the end of the bill paying but we make it.

N: Naps. When I have the opportunity to take one. They refresh me. They give me all too rare time to myself.

O: Oliver. I’m not going to elaborate on this one. I’m just thankful.

P: My parents. They loved me. They raised me to be the strong person that I am. They taught me right from wrong. And I miss them so much.

Q: Questions from my little guy. Especially the ones that I’m able to answer. These days, that’s asking a lot because he really is a smart and thoughtful young guy.

R: Rest at the end of a long day. If I’m lucky enough to get some. I’m happy to get what I can. Along with root beer. A&W is the best.

S: My salvation. It’s mine and can never be taken away from me.

T: Tears. I shed them on a regular basis. They cleanse me. And relieve my stress. And my tattoos. Cause they’re pretty.

U: Ugliness. Because it helps me to realize how much beauty there is in the world. And it helps me to see that beauty more clearly.

V: Vegetables that are so yummy in my tummy. Now if I could only get Elijah to eat them.

W: The words that constantly roll around in my head, occasionally coming out to form a blog or add a chapter to one of my books. Sometimes they even make sense.

X: Exits that will take me on my next journey. Yeah, it doesn’t start with x but it’s close. And I believe my journey is even closer.

Y: You. Yes, you. The one who is reading this right now. If it weren’t  for you, I would have no reason to write. And yogurt. One has nothing to do with the other. I just love yogurt.

Z: My zest for life. I am living the life I was always meant to. I am enjoying it. I am happy. Oh, and zoos. Because they are filled with all those lovely animals.

This is my list. Do you have one? Maybe mine made you think about your own. I certainly hope so because if it didn’t, then what’s the point? Thanks, Max, for getting my thoughts rolling. It was an awesome exercise.

So Now He's Six

I wrote a while back about Elijah’s obsessions throughout his short life and we have more of them as he grows. He has always been an interesting little guy, making us proud at every opportunity. Grabbing knowledge like it was food for his soul. I think he is a geek, if one so young can be called such. What other six-year-old walks around counting everything or spelling his sight words at the top of his voice? Telling his Pap Pap about the adventures of the Anaconda or describing the size of a tooth from the Megaladon (which, incidentally, is the largest whale to ever swim the oceans)? Well, he turned six years old this month and he is still showing the same intensity in everything he does and, while he is still wanting to visit his fire and police stations, his focus has changed to other things.

How about garbage trucks? His whole fifth year was learning about the garbage trucks. Our trash collector comes anywhere from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. on Monday’s and Friday’s. No matter how early, there’s a boy in the window watching. And then telling us about it in a loud shriek. Early in the morning. Before coffee.

He’s borrowed every DVD in the library that has a garbage truck in it. We now know how they are built. We know where they are built. We’ve learned about front loaders and rear loaders and their functions. But his personal favorite is the automated side loader. Yes, he has a favorite refuse collector. For those of you who may not have ever seen one, it has a robotic arm that swoops up your trash can, empties it into the truck and deposits it gracefully back on the sidewalk, thereby eliminating the need for the additional trash man riding the back in between stops. I actually had to follow one of those smelly things home once so he could observe the process. What we do in the name of love.

Hello, music. Of course, his love of music goes way back. Since his introduction to the Imagination Movers…if you don’t know who they are, you best be scrolling through my blogs to learn… at about eight months of age, music has been in his life. And we are a music loving family. But of course Elijah being Elijah, he has to take it one step further. He eats pizza and makes up a song about what pizza is or what’s on it. He sees something on TV and right away he’s singing about it. Commercial jingles. Movie soundtracks. He’s on it. This is in addition to knowing every word to every song the Movers have ever released.

            

           

But the latest real obsession is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was Donatella for Halloween. Our Christmas included two, yes two, Shell Raiser vehicles, stickers, ninja dudes, masks, swords, jammies and a sweatshirt…you name it, he got it. His Christmas money was spent on a large sized Rafael and a helicopter thing with buckets for ooze. His sixth birthday? TMNT sheets, comforter, throw, tattoos, Michelangelo and birthday cake…along with the appropriate decorations, napkins and plates. He spent his birthday money on a shell. That he refused to take off once he got to the cashier (she had to scan it while it was on his back). Wherever we go, he wears a mask, and now his shell, and carries a sword. We attract a lot of attention.

                                                     

Along that line, he has a mild, if anything Elijah does can be considered mild, romance with the Power Rangers. Who, incidentally, fight the ninjas. He has every color, with weapons included. Our battles of the rangers and the ninjas rage long and loud.

I wonder, as always, how long the latest “thing” will last. How long I will be transporting a ninja turtle to Target or the mall. How long will he scan the insert that comes with each turtle looking for next winner? How long will I be waging war as a power ranger against the mighty ninja turtle dudes? It doesn’t matter. As long as Elijah is along for the ride…or driving the shell raiser…I’m willing to play along. He has such style and energy, you can’t help but love it. And him.

A Big Pile of Doo Doo

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about how to survive and what to do after a divorce. Sad to be reading this so close to one of the most precious times of the year but divorce happens. All too often. But as I read these blogs, I always think “What happened to get you to that point in the first place?” Not that it’s any of my business but I like to get the whole story. Because it happened to me and I guess I want to see if my version is anything like theirs. And they usually are. So I wanted summarize what usually happens when two people, bound for life in glorious expectation, decide to hasten the ending of what they once thought would be a til-death-do-they-part deal. Mind you, this is just a generalization.

When two people meet with the intention of dating, whether a chance encounter or set up by friends, there is eventually a thought of “Wow! I really like this person. I wonder if he/she is my Mr./Mrs. Right?” With stars in their eyes, they follow the path that most twosomes do…they fall in love, wish for forever and get married. Then they start seeing what, in most cases, was hidden behind the glow. Because it’s obvious that when you are dating and getting to know each other, you put your best face on.

It’s after you put on the dress/tux, rings and cake-in-the-face that you find out the little things that maybe you wish you had known before committing to all of the above. Some of it is just little things that you can shrug your shoulders at like it’s no big deal but then there are some that truly make you wonder how you missed them in the first place. Now I’m not talking only from first-hand experience here, although some of them are mine, and I’m not boo-hooing about my marriage woes either. I’m way past that. I’m just saying….

Little gross habits come out after the rings are on. Like nose picking or passing gas at the dinner table. I truly don’t believe these are cause for divorce. These are what I call little pieces of doo doo in the yard. You scoop them up, flush them down the toilet (not literally, of course) and get on with life.

You shovel them up and put them out for the trash man. Similarly, snoring (as long as it doesn’t keep you from sleeping in the same bed), belching in public or chewing with their mouth open…annoying at best and still just little droppings. You can probably put in your two cents and maybe get these lessened a bit or even changed.

Of course, there are some habits that fill up the yard with poop or clog the toilet (again, not literally) that can really hurt a person. Drinking to excess is one of them. Especially if you know this person won’t get help or even admit there is a problem. Drug abuse is another one.  In either case, if you don’t love yourself enough to get help, then there is no way you can love your spouse as you are supposed to. Or maybe you love yourself too much to care about the way your addictions are affecting others. Same thing in my book. Get help and save your marriage. Don’t be stupid.

One of my pet peeves that can absolutely, positively stir up a shit storm is vulgar and abusive language, especially when it’s directed at me. I don’t do it and I deserve the same respect. The occasional slip is a different matter but when it’s a habitual thing, a way of life, that goes too far. Big storm. Respect is a big part of marriage and speaking to your spouse in this fashion not only shows that you don’t respect them, it hurts. If you can’t have a simple argument or even a casual conversation without it, you have issues that need to be addressed.

Physical abuse in any way, shape or form? Goes without saying. Whether it’s a husband hitting the wife or vice versa. Should not happen. This is a pile of crap that cannot be shoveled or flushed.

Cheating? Well, some say it depends on the reason behind it. To that I say WHAT? No. I don’t care if your significant other did it first and you retaliated. You took vows and they should be honored. There have been many marriages that can get beyond this but I don’t know of any. Cheating breaks the most important bond of trust that should never be breached and once broken, most often cannot be repaired. If you can flush this, I admire you.

Jeez, as I read this back to myself, is it little wonder that both of my girlies are single? I honestly didn’t write this to be snarky or jaded (both of which I am). I’m not bitter about my divorce. Bitterness takes too much away from me and nothing from him so I refuse to acknowledge it by being bitter. I have cleaned up my doo doo piles and moved on. But for those of you who have not, in the end what matters most is how much you can live with in your marriage. Or not live with it. And whether your love is strong enough to withstand whatever comes your way. Those are the people I really wish I could have emulated. 

Commercially Speaking

I was watching a movie last night, for lack of anything better to do, and I realized why I rarely even turn on the television...other than for sporting events and weather reports. Why anything on any cable station, in this case CMT, gets on my last nerve.

First of all it’s because of what movie I was watching, which was a really lame one. No, I’m not going to mention the name. Ok, it was Twister. Every time it’s been on, I’ve watched it. Some kind of strange obsession with Bill Paxton that I really don’t understand. He’s going bald and he can’t act. He’s not a mega star or all that good looking. But he has a voice that kinda haunts me. Gruff, a little hoarse. A lot sexy, especially when he speaks softly.

And because I was annoyed that I was watching Twister again, I started looking for a reason to be further annoyed and perhaps justify…something? And I found it, which has been my reason for not watching television much in the first place. The commercials. And being annoyed with the commercials made me further obsessed. So I stopped paying attention to the movie, which I pretty much know every word, every nuance of anyway. And I found out this…

How annoyed was I? For every seven minutes of movie time, there were eight minutes of commercials. Twenty. Twenty commercials in a row each break. Yes, I started timing and then counting them. In between, I was putting the finishing touches on my bucket list so it wasn’t a totally wasted evening.

After a while, the timing and counting got a little boring (I hear you asking, ya think?). So I began writing down the commercials in each segment of eight minutes. I found out that they were playing three loops of twenty. After a while, I quit even pretending to watch the movie. After all, I’ve seen it before.

But even writing down the commercials gets a little boring (I saw you roll your eyes). So I began timing each one. They were mostly 30 second spots but you got the gist that car commercials are more important than those for Macy’s holiday sales and Geico ads were even more important than the ones for cars. I guess to even own a car, you need insurance so that makes sense. But the most important, it seems, is a local (Louisiana, I mean) rehab center where a former New Orleans Saints football player’s father went to dry out. Go figure.

The worst part of the whole thing, the whole wasted evening, was that it didn’t stop when I turned off the TV. This blog was running through my head half the night so I didn’t sleep much. Hardly at all, in fact. Which made me grumpy most of the day and gave me a headache as well.

And I’m blaming it all on Bill Paxton.

What's In My Bucket

My younger daughter was talking about her bucket list the other night…she’s in her twenties and has a bucket list? I realized that I have never made one…I guess I’m more of a live-in-the-moment kinda girl but it got me to thinking that maybe I should. So I thought and thought. Then thought some more and finally came up with what you’ll see below…in no particular order of importance, of course.

1.       Get something published. I’d settle for getting anything published but I’d really like to have a novel done and sent off before I’m in my dotage. Right now I lack time, energy and motivation. But I will get there. Somehow. Some way. My lifelong dream.

2.       Sing on stage. I’ve done plenty of church performances but I’d really like to do it up big someday. The Voice? I really don’t think so. Too many pretty babies on that show where women my age don’t have much of a chance. Then I’d have so much trouble picking which coach I’d want when all four chairs turn around. America’s Got Talent? Too many weird acts for me to compete with. Not really strange enough…although there are those who would disagree. American Idol? Nah, the judges are mean and nasty. Mayhap I should stick with my church ditties. Although that really defeats the purpose of the bucket, doesn’t it?

3.       Take shooting lessons. I’d like to learn to shoot a gun with my eyes open. Right now I’m afraid of seeing the bullet come screaming out of the end of the weapon or sparks flying out of it into my face (yeah, I know this doesn’t really happen). Or maybe I just don’t want to see how far from the target I really am. But I could learn…

4.       Take ballroom dancing lessons. I can’t do that right now because I don’t have a willing partner. Elijah has offered but he’s a little on the short side and it’s awkward when we do lifts, dips and the like. I’ll put this aside for way in the future until he gets taller. They give these in the nursing homes, don’t they?

5.       Vacation in the Dominican Republic. My former boss goes there and he loves it. I think I could spend a week or two soaking up the sun, relaxing on the deck of my cottage on the beach. Who am I kidding? I’d be there two days before I’d be checking my work email, rearranging the furniture or reorganizing the cabinets. I can’t even take a sick day without being antsy. Weeks on vacation would drive me nuts. Another one for way in the future…perhaps when I’m too old to walk much and would have no choice but to sit on the deck.

6.       Travel to Ireland. The land of my ancestors (on my mother’s side). Now this is one I could sink my teeth into. I’ve always wanted to go and after seeing pictures one of my Twitter tweeps posted a while back, I’m determined to get there. All I need is money. I could travel the whole country, exploring, wandering, getting recipes for fish and chips. Ah, the beauty of it. Yeah, this is definitely one I’ll work towards. And put Scotland right behind it on the list.

7.       Be an extra in a movie. I’m definitely not leading role material so I’m being realistic here. But I’d love to be an extra. In a comedy. A really funny one. Starring Brad Pitt. No, George Clooney. No, not him either. Too cliché. Pierce Brosnan. Yeah, he’d do. Wait, does he do comedy? So I’d be in the background, mostly doing something hilarious. Or not hilarious. I just want to be there.

8.       Go on a mission trip. I’ve always wanted to. First, my parents thought I was too young. Then I was in college. Then I had babies. Always working after that, with vacation and sick days delegated to taking care of sick kids. But I could definitely take time off work for this. To give back. To help. Or teach. Or build. It really doesn’t matter what I do as long as I make a contribution.

That’s pretty much what I’ve come up with so far. They have always had these in the back of my mind, although some are closer to the front than others. I just never labeled them as belonging in a bucket. Here’s hoping I’ll get to do some of them. Maybe even all of them.