The Perfect Neighbor

Moving from a home with over an acre of ground in the quiet country hills of Pennsylvania to an apartment in the city of Baton Rouge took a lot of adjustment. And to be honest, even after more than a year, I’m still adjusting. With that in mind, I decided that I would make a list of qualities a good neighbor should have and give it to the office people at the apartment complex. Just to let them know how to screen those who were to be living near me or above me or … well, you get the point. The following is what I’ve come up with (so far). My idea of the perfect neighbor.

Goes to bed at the same time as I do (or close to it). No slamming doors and drawers or stomping after I have laid my precious little head down on my pillow. Or more importantly, no waking up the kid after we fight for an hour or more trying to get him to sleep. Ditto for early morning as far as the child is concerned.

Keeps their dog from barking at me every time I go out to sit on my patio. It’s my patio. I pay for it. I do not owe any canine an explanation as to why I am there or what I am doing. I have nothing against dogs, I really don’t. As long as they are well mannered.

Keeps their dog from barking all night long. Waking up the neighborhood dogs. So they can bark all night long. Again, I have nothing against dogs. But incessant yapping really gets on my nerves, especially when it’s after midnight and I have to get up at 5:00 a.m.

Does not drive past my window after 11:00 p.m. with loud vehicles. I’m not asking much here. Just don’t drive past my place with your loud pipes and music blaring when I’m either sleeping or trying to relax. Or after the aforementioned child is asleep.

Tolerates my strays. I feed 4-6 stray cats on any given day. They sit on my patio waiting every morning. They don’t bother you or your stuff. They don’t come to your door waiting for a handout. They come to me because they know I have food for them. Just have a little compassion for them because they don’t have a home or anyone to love them.

Keeps their intimate life between themselves. I don’t want to hear your arguments…or making up…from my place of refuge. It isn’t just consideration for your neighbors, it’s respect for yourself and the person you reside with. Everyone couple argues. But when walls are paper thin, it stands to reason that you would do your fighting on a slightly lower level. As far as the making up part, if you want to be porn stars, I’m sure you can find an agent on the internet. Just don’t practice within my range of hearing.

Well, that’s pretty much it. I don’t think it’s overly obsessive. Ok, so it is. I somehow doubt that anyone will listen but it’s worth a try. At the very least, I put it down on paper and got it out of my system. Until the next dog barks. Or a loud car comes flying past at midnight. Maybe I should look in to buying an island somewhere. A place where I don’t have to worry about such matters. Does anyone know of one for sale for about … well, I have about $10 in my checking account.