Days Like This

Momma always said there would be days like this, as the song goes. But my mother never really prepared me for what I am experiencing now. I’m hoping that my daughters see what I am going through and learn from it. I’ve always shared things with them and this is no different. They know the story and see how it is affecting me.

I’ve heard that the more trials and tribulations that you go through, the stronger you become. I should be Hercules by now, I’m thinking. But I’m getting tired of fighting the war. Tired of getting one step ahead and then getting kicked back a mile. It reminds me of how things were when my babies were small and it was all on me to take care of them. Life situations knocked me down and I dragged myself back up time after time. I was super mom. And I was exhausted.

This is a little different. I see no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not that I’m depressed. I’m angry. I’m so angry at circumstances and the situation that is responsible. I can’t get through and it is more frustrating than anything I’ve ever gone through. I can’t have what is mine and I can’t justify the issues. Health is such a fragile thing. You take care of yourself all of your life and issues just eat away at you, causing you to deteriorate no matter how hard you try to placate.

I guess this isn’t really making much sense but I’m thanking God that I have the power to write this down and exfoliate my mind. No, I’m not suicidal. That’s as far from my mind as the earth is from the moon. What I am is tired. Tired of trying to deal with things that are out of my realm. And all I can do now is try to rid myself of the anger so it doesn’t make me bitter. The life we have been given is a gift and to squander that gift with bitterness is more than irresponsible. It’s criminal. Sinful.

And now that I have written it down, I plan to leave it alone. It’s not in my hands anyway so why ruin my sanity with one more thing. So, as I’ve learned to do in this thing called life, I’m picking myself back up and making the best of it. I refuse to let my positive attitude and love of life be destroyed by something that should not have any power over me.